53 Thoughts I Had While Watching the Fast and Furious Franchise for the First Time

It started as just a simple Point Break ripoff about fast cars, and over the years, it’s evolved into…well, I don’t know that there’s a word for it. But it’s probably something something something…family.

I’m aware that I’m late to the game here. I’m also aware that not being in it form the jump means I haven’t been around to watch the series grow and evolve. And trust me, I know what these movies are and what they aren’t. This isn’t a post intended to dissect or over-analyze what are clearly popcorn movies, just my honest thoughts along the way.

The Fast and the Furious

  1. I’m not sure why, but this movie makes me want to watch Point Break.
  2. They’re making VERY sure that you know what NOS is. It’s almost like it’s a plot device…
  3. The Fast and the Furious: Sponsored by Corona.
  4. Whoa whoa whoa…what the fresh hell is this?!?
  5. This nerdy kid is 100% the first to die.
  6. And I can’t see Vince without remembering that he played the exact same character in Blade…and The Transporter.
  7. And here’s the misdirect where the cop thinks it’s another gang and not his new friends.
  8. Also…maaaaaaaaaybe don’t call it “race wars.” Who workshopped that and thought it was a good idea? I mean, it’s not like it’s a new concept.
  9. Wait…IT WAS DOM THE WHOLE TIME?!?! I never saw that coming.
    Narrator: He totally saw that coming.

2 Fast 2 Furious

  1. The soundtrack is much better, but the first race should just be called Racial Stereotype Race.
  2. Whoa whoa whoa…they’re trying to make Cole Hauser a Latino?!?!?! This guy?
  3. His name was “Carter Verone” and he looks…tan.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

  1. I know this is supposed to be the outlier that no one counts, but this first race through the construction site is already better than the other two combined.
  2. I feel like someone should tell John Singleton how much American muscle cars actually WEIGH.
  3. We’re supposed to believe THIS GUY is in high school?
  4. I know this is supposed to be the outlier that no one counts, but this first race through the construction site is already better than the other two combined.
  5. It seems less dumb, but even more importantly, the races are way more interesting. It’s more than just a straight line…and it has Sonny Chiba…and The Whistle Song.
  6. Han must be Japanese for “toast.”

Fast and Furious

  1. How are we FOUR movies in, and the fourth movie has the same plot as the first two…
  2. And why are we still giving guns to criminals?
  3. Wait, didn’t Han die? Remember? I made the toast joke.

Fast Five

  1. I love that they brought the Rock in and he 100% stole this franchise from Vin Diesel.
  2. Jumping cars out of trains and pulling a safe down the road with two Dodge Chargers…and the LEAST realistic thing is that the fight between Vin Diesel and the Rock lasted more than 4 seconds.

Fast & Furious 6

  1. I’m already upset that I had to pay for this.
  2. At least this one started out with a recap so I can remember who “died.”
  3. Take a drink every time they say “family.” Congrats, you’re in a coma.
  4. I know she’s a terrible actress, but damn I love Gina Carano.
  5. I already know that Shaw is Jason Statham, so it’s weird that he looks like Gaston.
  6. What in the GI Joe? Did he just jump from a truck, OFF A BRIDGE, onto the top of a race car? This is how it’s gonna be from now on, isn’t it.
  7. Guys, the racing is making her remember.
  8. Yep. This is how it’s gonna be.
  9. There is A LOT going on in this final sequence.

Furious 7

  2. Whoa whoa…his name is really Han Seoul-Oh? Come on now.
  3. That necklace really gets around.
  4. Yep, now we’re dropping cars out of planes.
  5. It’s Missandei!
  6. Also, Brian ain’t beating Tony Jaa in anything other than being pretty.
  7. YES!! Ronda Rousey.
  8. I looked it up. Lykan Hypersports weigh 3,042 pounds. Just sayin’.
  9. The Rock. With a minigun. ALL IS FORGIVEN.

Fate of the Furious

  1. Are Cuban miles, like, WAY longer than American ones?
  2. They’re gonna have a kid and name him Brian, aren’t they.
  3. If I step on the field and the other team does the Haka? I’m goin’ home.
  4. “Sorry, the Rock, I work for Furiosa now.”
  5. They basically made the Rock into an indestructible superhero AND I AM
  6. That’s not Letty…this is awkward.
  7. So Shaw killed literally dozens of federal agents, cripples Hobbs, blows up Dom’s house, kills Han, and damn near kills their kid…but they’re all friends now? It would be more realistic to have Hobbs punch a torpedo.
  8. That…that’s not how cars work.
  9. I love Gina Rodriguez, but in this series she’s fought Gina Carano, Ronda Rousey, and now Tate Fletcher. Uhhh…sure.
  10. And for my next trick, I’m gonna outdrive this missile.
  11. I’m trying to be nice, but damn. This movie is stupid.

Well there you have it, I’ve watched them all. There were definitely some interesting parts and things I liked, but overall I feel dumber…so much dumber. The Rock absolutely made the series 100% better, but I don’t understand what these movies are anymore? The street racing theme quickly went out the window in favor of…James Bond-style, special ops? Everyone is now a trained special agent free to kill bad guys at will? I’m probably thinking about it too much. I should just turn my brain off.

Cars fast. People furious.